An American in Europe

Recently, DNA tests to track your ancestry have become quite the rage and I think it's because it provides a connection to your past and family. It's something unique you can brand yourself and provide you with something of a back story, allowing you to delve into the not so well kept secret, Americans are called back to their roots. I don't think it's egotistical or a means of segregating, but instead fulfilling that sense of who we are. It's a never ending battle as we try and find self-confidence and self-evaluate to answer 'Who am I?' and the DNA test gives you connection to something more.

I have not taken a DNA test, I hope to especially since my dad was adopted and I know nothing of his father, but I have been lucky enough to take two jaunts to Europe now. Coming from a family that has always enjoyed history, that was definitely a major perk, but it was mostly leisure. However, there is something more that tugged on my mind the second time I made the trip...something more here, something almost calling to me but I can't quite put my finger on it. I want to say it's a sense of belonging, but I think it's actually a wish to belong.

Let me quickly put aside that I'm not bashing being American or my home country, but I don't think I'm the only one who feels a little disenfranchised over the last few years as this country has gone through political turmoil. There has been such divisive and distinctive lines drawn that have found even families fracturing. I've written a lot about the echo chambers so many have seemed to retreat to which has left me with a feeling of much more isolation as everything has become a touchy subject. It has become much easier to just withdraw then even have open conversations anymore.

I think being in a country where so many people seem to just resolve themselves to yelling over the top of others to be heard, you'd have to be blind and ignorant not to question where things are going. I think Millennials have always felt like they're struggling to find where they fit in and how to move forward with the country. Each generation becomes a punching bag for the one before them, but it seemed like so much more fell on Millennials with all the major worldwide things that happened as we grew up.

Now, I don't mean to sound 'Woah are Millennials' but I think it is major fuel into searching the things that allow us to find ourselves to connect to something. Going to Europe gave me a sense of that, mostly because of the romanticized eyes I view it through. Being there tugged at me that there was something I was searching for that I wasn't even aware I was looking for. There's a desire there to connect, to find something that allows me to feel like I belong.

Perhaps it's too many movies or other forms of entertainment, but when I think of Europe I think of the history, the classiness, it just seems to stand as something different. It leaves me feeling envious for reasons as dumb as accents to things as big as how amazing it is that so many different countries are so close to each other. Part of this is just due to the 'grass is greener' mantra because you become numb to what you get used to, but that will always be the case with the rest of the world. How can you ever not be amazed by things so many will not see?

When you open yourself up to something new there's this sensation of discovery that conflicts with realizing there's even more you don't know. As I've traveled the world it brings about a sense of accomplishment at getting to do something so great, while making me feel like I've still seen so little. That's of course while being immersed in cultures, with people and places I don't feel like you can actually know until you're there. The first time I left the country there was anxiety about being somewhere I didn't belong but it really wasn't that bad. Now, it's a welcomed experience to make sure I'm polite and gracious while trying not to be an embarrassment or annoying tourist.

The first time I went to Europe I traveled to Italy and Spain and I was so lost in the history and amazement of my first cross ocean trip I didn't hear the voice in the back of my head. However, this second time was a trip to Amsterdam and several places in Belgium and something about being there made me feel like I was supposed to be there. There was definitely a desire to say I was home but I think it was actually more a want to belong.

I can't explain it, or fully understand it myself, but while I was in Amsterdam all I could think about was the desire to move there. Maybe it was just because it was something different and a unique adventure to take on and, Lord knows I can be over romantic and impulsive when it comes to thoughts like that, but I refuse to believe it was some reckless dreaming. There was something about being there that was like a puzzle piece falling into the right place like I'm where I needed to be.

Now, I've been to Mexico, Canada and several countries in Asia and I never felt the same calling in those places. What's worse is I don't remember feeling that same way in Italy and Spain, though my sister-in-law is of Italian descent and we've had discussions about buying a vacation home there, but it tugged at me this whole second trip. Is it possible there is something from my ancestry that is echoing somewhere deep in my subconscious or do I just want something so bad I'm seeing something that isn't there? Trying to find some deeper meaning and connection has left some phantom memory that isn't there?

When I travel the world I feel this adrenaline rush of someone being lost without panic, like I can follow my feet and figure it out because everything is a new discovery and I can go without a plan. Part of this has to be chalked up to the freedom of vacation and being able to unplug from the normal routine and let the little worries and challenges of daily responsibilities fall away, but I think there is something there because these whispers in my head weren't there for my other trips. Even though part of me was glad to be getting back home, that can be answered by just the comfort and familiarity of having a home. It doesn't diminish this tugging feeling I'm having about trying to find my belonging in Europe.

Maybe being in Europe is just a romantic ideal and I'm allowing myself to be seduced by it's nature and wanting to stay on that high, but who's to say there isn't something that can yell out to us when we find ourselves in the right place? Perhaps I had just stepped into the right place to align with certain wavelengths, a past memory coming back, some sort of deja vu flooding my brain while not being able to trace where it's coming from. I know I want to it be the case and to figure it out, but my gut tells me it isn't something I just concocted while on vacation and enjoying being away from everything for awhile.

The more I travel the more I feel an ascension beyond the simple one country home that's a foreigner everywhere else. As I see more and more of the world my thirst to see more grows and it leaves me feeling less like just an American, and more like a human that is just taking it what the world has to offer. Egotistical or not, I feel more like I'm learning more and getting in touch with who I am while being tossed into the ocean of reality that is I've still seen and know so little. It doesn't fill in the blanks of what my place is in this world because there still so many questions still to answer, but it does change me for the better. It started a transformation to evolve into someone who is just of this world, a gypsy, someone without a home but feels comfortable everywhere.

This last vacation has made it so I want even more to take that DNA test, not in short because of my warped sense and disconnect with almost all of my on family, but to see if there's something more to what I was feeling. I don't know that I'll ever totally get the answers that I'm looking for but perhaps I can start to trace where this feeling is coming from and find some sort of peace. All I know is I will never stop traveling and I will continue to just be a person of the world as I take in as much as I can.