Call of the Void

Does a weird thought ever randomly pop in to your head when you're standing on the ledge to jump? Maybe you're driving along and think “What if I drove in to oncoming traffic?” You don't think like this any other time but somehow these thoughts creep up and disturb you. It's the 'Call of the Void' or l'appel du vide.

According to associate professor of Psychology at Miami of Ohio about 50% have these thoughts and it's a miscommunication in your brain. It's important to note it isn't a suicidal thought as studies have shown suicide isn't an impulsive act. My experiences with both thoughts have proven that out as well.

I talked about my suicidal thoughts in My Black Book. When I was in that dark place the thoughts of ending it all were never impulsive, instead they were something I mulled over and over. They were scenarios I worked through how to make them happen, but I was never in a situation where it just popped up. Luckily, I was able to get help and conquer those demons. And if you are thinking this way please.

With the Call of the Void the thoughts come up suddenly without prompt and disappear almost as quickly. They also aren't ideas that are a conclusion of some thought train, they are isolated. When I walked out to the ledge on the Grand Canyon to take in the beauty, I suddenly had the thought to jump. If I've driven along an edge without a guardrail some thought suddenly asks 'What if you just turned the wheel a bit?' Sometimes when I'm in a conversation with people I'm suddenly picturing attacking them, but with all these thoughts I quickly recognize how crazy they are and put it out of my mind.

The Call of the Void is something I've experienced for quite some time, but of course never talked about it. Conventional thinking would easily have you thinking 'Am I okay?' 'No one else thinks like this...is there something wrong with me?' That's how I thought until recently when I found out other people also have these thoughts. No one talks about it but if it's something almost 50% of people have then it should be something we're not afraid of addressing.

Once I found out how common this is I wanted to talk about it just to get it out there, but then I wondered if the rough 2020 was making it worse. I've dealt with depression, ulcers and general mental struggles and that's darkness that would seem to contribute to more darkness. However, after thinking about it I really didn't feel like the Call of the Void was ringing up more in 2020. Why?

The Call of the Void comes from a place of wanting to live according to the associate professor of Psychology. The reason it's triggered while you're standing on the ledge has to do with the alarm mechanism to protect yourself. That's why I don't think the call has been triggered more in 2020 because there hasn't been a lot going on in 2020.

2020 has absolutely come with its own set of problems and mental challenges, but because the Call of the Void is spontaneous and, without being in positions to have those alarms triggered, the call hasn't rung up as often. For me that makes it more comfortable to address it even more. It clearly isn't a negative thought, just some kind of weird thought 50% of people experience.

When the Call of the Void first came up I wanted to explore how this awful year, for me personally, could have possibly factored in to these weird dark thoughts. My early hypothesis was the depression and mental struggles I have dealt with were a factor in to, but after reading about it and examining how often it actually happens it just further made it clear how random it is. To me that just makes it something to address more because it isn't a problem, just a weird circumstance for half of people.