Two Minds Of Two Minds

As I rise to tackle another day and get dressed I don't walk out into the world with different masks to wear, instead my system begins to run. Prepared to deal with the situations of daily interaction I come online and, much like breathing, there should be some sort of control but it's just core programming that runs as second nature.

With two of the more influential people in my daily routine being connected to spiritual and horoscope type beliefs I hear more and more about being a prime example of a Gemini. Two personalities, almost two different people that happen to share the same living entity. Both call it their home, but the truth is as I go deeper into their separate minds even they aren't the only ones there.

Each day I hope that Slider is the one that starts the day because he is the one where content and happy make their homes. Slider is the one I think is the closest to who I am and who I hope has his hand at the wheel. Slider gets his name because instead of a switch that flips back and forth he is more of a dimmer switch, sliding from one extreme of content to chaos at the extremes.

The cursing, the dark humor, the me I find come out when I'm comfortable with the people I trust is who I would define myself as if asked. I believe that's where my creativity, my hopes and dreams, my capacity to love and be empathetic, all of the things that make a person good emanates from. In that regard Slider is the vulnerable one, experiences heartbreak and pain. However, that doesn't mean the content switch of Slider deals with that vulnerability nor does he not have his dark side.

Slider's defense mechanism came in the form of chaos. Chaos in the form of toxic actions to seek out bad decisions for immediate gratification that more often than not came with long term ramifications. The dark humor calls chaos home, the jokes about the terrible things in all forms of life, lust, the ability to turn off logic and intelligence, all of the abilities to deflect and distract reside in chaos.

Everyone has a bit of chaos but much like a drug user looking for that Dopamine high, the next dose has to be just a little bit more. That dimmer switch didn't turn much to begin with but as the tolerance builds the comfort with accessing it makes it that much easier to crank it further and further each time until it just became a dial that could spin endlessly.

With the ignorance of youth and immaturity chaos ran unchecked and wrecked a lot of things and you can't function productively that way. However, you learn to deal with it, at first not acknowledging how much of a problem it is, but learning creative ways to hide it. I found how to cover chaos so that it didn't seem like it was out of control but instead these little bursts that were just silly moments. “It's not a problem, I can stop at any time. It's just about blowing off a little steam.” Luckily, a wake up call finally comes along and something has to be done.

I put myself through a system update, self-therapy, as I retreat into the programming and immerse myself into the workings of chaos. Part of that comes with growing up and maturity but it was a choice I had to make and the worst parts were cut away, not to say they don't linger, but I put myself in control of the worst parts. That's not to say that chaos still can't be defined as the defense mechanism of Slider, but it is a much less detrimental function of that part of my mind.

One of the biggest parts of the chaos extreme of Slider being reigned in was actually the other function that runs growing in immense strength, Gemini. It would be hard to say Gemini didn't always exist but being impetuous in youth never felt hindered or even aware of the ripple effects of my actions. There was a freedom to it that just felt like it was me being me. Unfiltered, unaware, unconscious actions of someone untainted by the need to fit in the real, professional world.

Gemini's strength grew by the world crushing me to 'fitting in' to a 'professional' setting and carry myself like so many others. You need to play the game and slowly wade into the water because diving in can lead to bad first impressions, heartbreak, biting off more than you can chew before really examining what is happening. The defeating experiences of life are powerful teachers and force you to respond and evolve, thus Performer was born in Gemini.

Now, being in a creativity and performance based career, Performer served an immediate and helpful purpose. He became a filter to fit a professional world and exist and thrive in the career I've chosen. Performer runs to talk to superiors, to meet new people, to strive to be the example of what people expect in those similar situations.

However, Performer is not flawless because as he became a more regular setting being run he expanded his functions and situations in which he activates. Family functions, people I don't want to be around say hello to Performer. Much like a mirror, he has figured out how to imitate and survive in those situations. My inner monologue is screaming “I hate this! I don't want to be here!” but I have to be for whatever reason and so Performer takes over because you can't succeed in the professional world without making it through these things.

Needed professional interactions, uncomfortable situations I need to be in Performer kicks on and takes over to get through without acknowledging how I really feel. Performer is the definition of “I'm fine.” He is the cover for the introvert I truly am to deal with the questions I don't want to answer. He's a good cover to have and flips on like a switch, but the problem is the other half of the switch has also grown with him, Numb.

Being cynical, the nagging voice of self-doubt, the cloud that finds the worst parts of myself call Numb home. As Performer has grown for Gemini, so has Numb. Numb is the equivalent of running just the basic systems, shutting down pretty much everything in terms of emotions, self-awareness but self-doubt and the ghost of a person that drifts through the day.

Numb is the physical embodiment of resting bitch face and I think started as just a base mood to run through average moments where nothing was going on but the problem of Performer growing and being called on more means Numb runs unchecked. With a perfect cover in Performer Numb's darkness and negativity deepened without facing an immediate need for a solution. Cynicism and the overpowering negativity of the devil's advocate don't have to be dealt with because Performer flips on when called for.

I guess unsurprisingly, developing the ability to survive situations I don't want to be in continues to push me to mental instability and non-functioning emotionally. Even more worrisome, while Slider seemed to be the only one to exist in me for so long it is Gemini that operates most of the day. I drift through each day as Numb until it becomes time for Performer to cover for us. The outside world doesn't have a clue how often Numb seems to run because of how good Performer has become at flipping on at a moment's notice and saving us from answering the questions we don't want to.

The thing I've become more aware of, and should have been a no-brainer, is just because a program isn't running in the foreground doesn't mean it isn't running. In the moments where Slider actually is in control Numb is still running in the background. It's a testament to the growth of that side of Gemini that there is bleed over, running outside of the parameters it should be able to.

Needing to self-medicate is a response to any number of reasons, such as just needing to quiet the mind, but I'm starting to wonder if that's actually the case. Maybe I'm not the one choosing to do so, but Numb is. Dulling all the others so Numb can be in his element, shut off to so much of the world and myself. I already acknowledge that all of them run as unconscious programs but perhaps I'm not even in as much control as I think I am?

The obvious solution is to do with Numb what I did with Chaos but what will that do to Performer? No answer should stop me from dealing with what is an obvious Performer, but I've found it hard to function without him. I could say it's necessary to be able to call upon Performer to succeed in the world, but the truth probably lies more in being afraid. There is always going to be some self-doubt about being accepted, but I truly do feel comfortable with who I am. I think it's just safe to have Performer break the ice in certain situations or to take over when I'm overwhelmed or not feeling it, but clearly needs to be reigned in.

Slider, Gemini and their switches all exist as me and all of these entities should make up the whole that is me, but the truth is maybe little pieces of myself are scattered across all of them. There is no fantasy of one of them being someone I wished I was, but I don't think one is vastly superior to the others. That's not to say there aren't ones that are worse, Numb, but even he can serve the occasional positive purpose of protecting me and allowing the ability to be introspective. But at what cost?

Perhaps Gemini existed the whole time but at this time I believe he developed in response to being needed. An even larger question, if that's the case who else could come along? Could there be another program that comes along to deal with some need in the future? Maybe they could evolve into something else?

The sum of the parts is me and that means I need to have control of them and prepare for a redux of Chaos with Numb. Hopefully, one day I can put myself in control of Gemini and Slider as the two minds of my own and use them instead of being at their mercy. One day not just operating in the Content part of Slider, but putting them all together as Peace and Stability. That will be Blair, the sign of Gemini and not letting the program Gemini run almost all of my life.